ouch.
Rejection bites. No matter how nicely the letter or the DTR or the phone call or the email is worded, rejection always stings. It says, “Hey, I know you exposed a part of yourself to me hoping I’d give you a chance, but sorry. There’s something wrong with you. You’re not __________ enough. You’re too _________. Sorry, we’ve chosen someone else. Good luck next time.”
Honestly, I haven’t had to deal with much rejection in my life. Of course, there was that time my boyfriend cheated on me with like three other girls and then my best friend stopped talking to me..but besides those times, I know that I’ve pretty much always gotten what I wanted. I’ve had the titles and the positions and the responsibilities and the awards I wanted and tried for. Of course I’ve experienced disappointment, but rarely, and pretty sporadically.
I didn’t get Student Body President in 5th grade, I remember that. I didn’t get voted as President of the middle school youth group at my old church, even though I was the only practicing Christian. I didn’t get into Vocal Ensemble the first time I tried out, but I did the second.
Dr. Harmon said that we don’t realize we have expectations until they’re not met.
And now, I’m beginning to realize that I have always expected to get what I want. Now, that expectation isn’t being met. I didn’t get the MDDC Journalism Scholarship. I didn’t get a phone call or a text I was hoping for. I didn’t get the attention I wanted. I didn’t get the position at SpringHill. I didn’t get considered for the youth group internship. Chances are I’m not going to get the internship at BMH. And I keep wondering what I’m doing wrong — rather, I keep wondering what’s wrong with me.
My mom would tell me I’m not trying hard enough. I’m sorry, but that can’t be true. My dad would tell me I chose a dying major and there are no real opportunities for me anyway. Well, that passes the blame off of me a little bit, but it’s also flat out untrue. Some pastors would tell me I don’t have enough faith – I don’t love God enough. Others would tell me He’s got a plan, He knows what He’s doing and He knows what I need.
I know that. I accept that. But it doesn’t make being told “no” any easier when I can’t see what’s in front of me. And the easiest thing in the world right now is for me to default, to embrace what all these rejections say about me and block out the truth of who I am in Christ. That would be so easy.
I hope there’s a reason for all this. There must be. But I’m running out of options and I just want to know what’s going to happen in my life.
