Faith like a child

I was 11 when I read Matthew 25
for the first time.
And Jesus said that if I fed a hungry man,
I fed him.
And would you believe it –
just the next day I saw a man with a cardboard sign:
Homeless and Hungry. Please Help. God Bless U
It was Jesus.
And so I reached in my pocket and I rolled down the window
in the back seat of my Aunt Anna’s car

I couldn’t look at him.
I was embarrassed I didn’t have any more,
but I only got a $10 allowance, and I had already bought
some candy and soda at the gas station.
I wanted him to know it was because of Jesus,
but the light was about to turn green,
and I was so shy.

And when I rolled up the window and my aunt
pressed on the gas,
she looked in the rear-view mirror sympathetically;
I was crying.
She told me I was so sweet and so thoughtful,
And she knew I wanted to help –

BUT

You can’t trust people, honey,
He probably does this as a scam.
He probably has a home just like you do.
He’s probably using the money for beer.
He’s probably lying.
You can’t trust people, honey.
He’s probably just too lazy to work.
He probably has a nice car — I saw this documentary once..
He’s probably using the money for drugs.
You can’t trust people.

I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have given him anything.
I’m sorry.

And it was later that year, or maybe earlier,
I don’t know.
All I know is I was 11 years old
When I read Matthew 5 for the first time
And that very same year — it was in October,
I think.
That same year,
they let a bad man out of prison
before he’d served all his time.
And would you believe it,
Just two days later that man found a boy
from my little sister’s 4th grade class,
and he killed him at McCurdy field.

And I prayed they would catch him,
And I was so, so sad for Christopher,
and I was so, so sad for my sister.
And when they caught the guy two towns over
they found out that he was actually
mentally retarded.
His name was Edmund.

And my father was outraged because
the state of Maryland refused to execute him because of his IQ,
and I was just happy they caught him,
that he couldn’t hurt any more little boys.
And one evening we stopped for gas. It was raining,
And I asked, quite innocently,
“How will killing him make it better, dad?”

What if he had killed your mother, Liane?
What then?
Don’t give me that ‘turn the other cheek’ bullshit.
Think about it and tell me you wouldn’t want him dead.
Wouldn’t you?
He killed a 9 year old boy, Liane.
He only did it so he could go back to a warm bed and hot meal.
Don’t give me any of that liberal, left wing bullshit
(he said this as if I knew what he was talking about).
Think about it and tell me you don’t want him dead.
You want him dead, don’t you?

Yes, dad. You’re right. They oughta kill him quick.
Yes, dad.

And who knows how old I was
the first time I read Matthew 18.
I learned in Sunday School
that Jesus told the little children to come –
the kingdom of heaven belonged to them.
And I’d even heard it said that faith as small as a seed
could move mountains. MOUNTAINS.
I must have been so naive, at 11,
to believe all that stuff Jesus said.
At least, everyone told me I was naive — I’d understand later.

This is just how it is, Liane.
Get used to it, okay?
Life’s not fair.

But couldn’t it be, someday?

I must have been 11 when I lost
the faith of a child.

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