either/or
Well, it’s been far too long. First of all, I haven’t had the time to blog. I mean, that’s not entirely true. I’ve wasted plenty of time since my last blog post and I certainly could have written something up. But I haven’t had the time all semester to stop and think and process and let it all out. I’ve tried, but I’ve always gotten distracted or anxious or found some excuse not to. Really, I haven’t truly wanted to sit down and think about my life, family, school, or relationship with God (ESPECIALLY my relationship with God) because to sit and reflect – really, truly reflect – takes honesty. And I don’t want to be honest with myself about how things have really been. I don’t want to be honest with anyone else about how things have really been. Needless to say, it’s not been good.
It was so frustrating, one day in the middle of February, to look back at last semester and all the incredible, visible, tangible ways I could see God working. I had no doubts, and I really, truly delighted in the Lord and in His laws. It was incredible. Then I looked at my mid-February life. I’ve spent all semester rushing from this responsibility to that responsibility, filling up my days til I literally can’t function normally, and failing to see God anywhere, no matter how hard I look. Somehow between November and February, I lost sight of this whole living in freedom thing.
I think I decided if I couldn’t control my own sin, I would have to control something. If I couldn’t prove that I was strong enough to conquer my sin, I would have to prove that I was strong enough to to 18 credits, a play, 3 jobs, and 2 leadership positions. I decided if I couldn’t do one thing well, I should do something else to make up for it.
I have confused busyness with productivity and worth. I have confused my singleness as a sign of being unvaluable. I have confused my life as being my own. I have confused my hope as being in myself.
And I can’t do that anymore. Really, there’s nothing else I can do. None of this is working. I think the only people who actually say “Let go and let God” are 45 year old pastor’s wives when they’re talking to the other church ladies at tea, but really, what else is there to do? I don’t have any other options. It doesn’t look like I can make things work out for me the way I want them to.
I’m either powerless or not trying hard enough. And if Brook wasn’t giving up the Internet for Lent and could read this, I think she’d tell you I’ve been trying as hard as I could.
proverbs 3:4-5
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
– Proverbs 3:5-6
I know I’ve heard this passage a million times. I’ve seen it plastered on greeting cards and painting and mugs in the Tree of Life Bookstore. I’ve memorized it for Sunday school and I’ve quoted it to kids in the youth group while they cried at youth conference. I’ve been that crying kid at youth conference who felt better when some nameless adult would quote it to me. It’s really a nice passage. I like it a lot.
But dang. It’s not easy. Why am I just figuring that out now?
Trust in the Lord with all your heart? I don’t even know what that looks like. I trust in Liane with most of my heart.
Lean not on my own understanding? But my own understanding is accessible! I have control of it and I can use it how I want. My understanding makes sense to me. My understanding rarely gives me answers I don’t want to hear, and it certainly never makes me uncomfortable. All my life my teachers and parents have taught me that I should lean on my understanding. If I want something, all I have to do is put my mind to it and go get it. You go, girl. Strong. Independent. Smart. My understanding isn’t supposed to fail me.
To lean not on my own understanding means I have to give up a lot of control. It means I have to stop wondering what I could have done to make the internship board vote for me. It means I have to stop piecing together fragments of “he said that” and “he did this” in order to find out if someone else on this planet thinks I’m valuable. It means I have to stop analyzing every second of every minute of my schedule next semester and trying to figure out when I’ll have time. It means I have to stop trying to get what I want in the short term and look instead to what I want in the long term.
And in all your ways acknowledge Him? But I’m the one who did all the work. I’m the one who balanced school and work and serve leading and _______ and still accomplished _______. Obviously, I deserve some of the credit here. And when I fail? Sadly, that’s just how I am, and I can’t be helped. I’m too screwed up. I’ll never get it right. I failed again. and again. I’m no good. Woe is me.
This passage is beautiful, but it is a far bigger task than I ever realized. It is a daily, and yet life-long goal. Here goes.
to be led forth in peace (again)
Yesterday while I was praying, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and heard in my heart “You’re not going to get the internship. But I’ll show you why.”
I didn’t get the internship, and it’s okay. I do believe God has something more for me this summer. He will lead me, and I will find out what He wants for me. And that’s awesome.
all other ground is shifting sand.
I can’t say that I’ve particularly enjoyed this winter break. I do know, however, that over the past three weeks the Lord has used my loneliness, my fear, my inadequacy, my confusion, my excitement, my anxiety, my insomnia, my femininity, my conversations, my church, my relationship with my parents, my deepest desires and my glaring failures to draw me near to him. And I am thankful.
After an incredible semester of growing in Christ, I feared that I would go home and cease to grow. Now, as I’ve seen the Lord work in me through all of my discomfort, I’m scared that returning to the place I feel most comfortable will stunt me.
… it’s 5:30 a.m.
I cannot fall asleep. It’s quarter til 5 in the morning. I have to wake up at 8 so I can get ready for a very important interview at 11. I can lie down and relax and shut my eyes and get into the comfiest sleeping position ever, but I cannot shut off my brain. First of all, I have two profoundly annoying songs stuck in my head, and second.. my mind is so awake. I still have a few percocet left from getting my wisdom teeth out.. last night I had to take half of one to even fall asleep at all. I’m so tempted to do that again right now, but I’m not really trying to pick up a drug addiction over break.
I have thought about so many things. And in such short amounts of time, too. Fifteen minutes can feel like an eternity when you can’t sleep.
So here are some of the things I’ve thought about in the past hour:
- Who was the first person to figure out that dolphins could be trained? And how did they go about accomplishing this?
- If I were to get married today, who would my bridesmaids be? (answer: Stephanie, my cousin Megan, Courtney, Brook and Bethany. Megan’s sister Kaitlyn would be the flower girl)
- What was Jesus talking about when he said not to cast your pearls before swine?
- Vicki from Indianapolis
- How I wish I could re-do freshman year, and the things I would have changed
- How much my friend Jon changed when our friend Henry died
- What this boy said today– what did he mean? Why did he say that? Did he mean it like this, or like that? Does he say that to every girl? Typical overanalyzing.
- What that boy said yesterday– what did he mean? Why did he say that? Did he mean it like this, or like that? Does he say that to every girl? Typical overanalyzing.
- I wonder if I even want to be editor of Sounding Board next year
- Could I ever be a stay at home mom?
-How much I miss karate
- The United States citizenship test
- My missions trip to Okinawa right after freshman year
- Hiking in the snow, the possibility of bringing some friends to my favorite overlook
- How to save print journalism
- Accents, and how if I ever move to another country, I hope I always keep my American accent. And how much I hate Brook’s fake British accent (haha.. I wonder where this thought originated?)
- All the reasons 2007 was an awful year and all the reasons 2008 and 2009 were awesome
- Our Father’s House
- The meanest thing I’ve ever said to anyone (“Oh yeah? Well at least my dad’s not in jail.” 4th grade)
- The way I used to pray and wish on dandelions as I walked to elementary school. I always asked for the same thing. and more or less, I still pray/wish for it now.
- How scared I am to die.. or rather, how scared I am to grow old AND die.
- Split ends. I hate them
words of wisdom
Never let cute British boys dupe you into eating 99 cent all you can eat spaghetti. Yes, it will seem like a fun adventure, and yes, it will be hilarious in the moment. But it will NOT be hilarious later. not at all.
Charles (the one I wrote about a few entries ago) and I met up for coffee today. Coffee turned into searching for ministry opportunities around Frederick. That turned into walking through the mall where we used to work… which turned into indulging in 99 cent spaghetti at an awful little cafe.
It was a good day 
… but after all that, I am NOT feeling so great.
my dad the unbeliever
my dad, on finding out I consider myself an ‘evangelical’ Christian: “Just don’t tell me about how I’m going to hell, okay?”
mulligan.
“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you” — 1 Peter 5:7
When I get back to Grace I’ll tell everyone “Oh, break was awesome, thanks for asking! How was yours?”
Break has been awful. There have been many good parts, but overall it has been so difficult. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that break has been so bad and I’m not quite sure why I feel that way. I think that being pessimistic makes me feel as if I’m defying my own self, my being, my essence, whatever you call it. I am not supposed to be a pessimist. I’m not supposed to say that break totally sucked – I’m supposed to be happier than that. I’m Liane; the cup is always half full and I look on the bright side.
But when that’s just not true, I don’t know what to do or say or feel. What a start to 2010. Can I please have a do-over?
this new year’s eve
New Years resolutions depress me- I doubt I’ve ever kept one. But hey, here’s to another year of trying to read the whole Bible and lose 30 lbs. I’d also like to learn guitar, stop drinking soda, and floss more often.
I’m going to keep the flossing one just so I can finally say I’ve kept a resolution.
a few points
Some updates from Christmas break:
- I’m reading the Chronicles of Narnia, Desiring God, (maybe) Grand Weaver, and Hebrews
- I visited Curtis and Courtney today. Courtney and I sat and chatted and joked and reminisced about all our friends at Grace, and Curtis and I climbed a way steep mountain for the sole purpose of running down it as fast as we could. We all square danced, but Courtney spent more time taking pictures on her new camrea.
- I do not like driving in the snow period, but I ESPECIALLY do not like driving in the snow at midnight, on roads I’m not that familiar with. I’m lucky to be alive.
- I fight with my parents way too much and it’s really frustrating that I know they see the worst of me
- I don’t like having stitches in my mouth. Food gets stuck in them and it’s gross
- The economy sucks
- I am learning more and more what it means to truly say “I need thee every hour.”
